Greatness awaits me
Ladies and gentlemen--this blog is now being written by a future millionaire. For real. Feel free to pause for a moment to reflect on what I was like when I was still poor and humble.
I have finally figured out how I am going to make my fortune. My plan, and, truly, it seems fool proof, is to combine two quintessentially American desires- the desire to be wealthy without having to try too hard and the desire to be skinny while eating as little fruit and vegetables as possible-- into one literary phenomenon.
I present to you....insert sounds of fanfare here...The Retail Diet plan
Step One: Spend a reasonable amount of time (oh, say, 27 years) developing a nice excess covering of chub. Feel free to use whatever method works best for you--carbs, sugar, salty foods or a combination. The Retail Diet Plan allows for a lot of flexibility in this area, though it does recommend keeping exercise to a bare minimum.
Step Two: Secure employment at a retail establishment near you. This should be in addition to another fulltime position. The success of the plan rests on working more than 40 hours per week. Again, the plan is flexible about what kind of retail, though working at Wal-Mart is not permitted (just because it is icky and bad and you shouldn't be there anyways). Any place where parking is going to be an issue is especially ideal.
Step Three: Get to work. Work 15 hour days. Work 65 hours a week. Start getting 5 hours of sleep a night. Do lots of lifting. Stand the whole time. Park 10 minutes from your store.
Step Four: Eat whatever you want. Eat nothing but Bugles and chocolate chip cookies if you want to. Make the mall food court your kitchen. Go days without having a vegetable. Begin to crave salad. The only catch is that you have to find the time to eat.
Step Five: Watch the pounds drop off and the paychecks roll in. According to my research (which is, admittedly, based on a fairly small sample size), in just 6 weeks on this plan you could lose up to 5 pounds and earn literally hundreds of dollars. Hundreds I tell you! Just think, in a mere 20 years, the average person on the plan could lose 50 pounds and earn $280,000! Amazing!
I'm a little bit busy right now, I am on the plan afterall, but just as soon as things slow down, I'll be writing the book and hunting down Ron Popeil to see if we can figure out some sort of possible partnership with the Ronco corporation. They'll surely know how to get me an infomercial and maybe they can pull some strings so I can get Susan Lucci to host it. That would be awesome.
I have finally figured out how I am going to make my fortune. My plan, and, truly, it seems fool proof, is to combine two quintessentially American desires- the desire to be wealthy without having to try too hard and the desire to be skinny while eating as little fruit and vegetables as possible-- into one literary phenomenon.
I present to you....insert sounds of fanfare here...The Retail Diet plan
Step One: Spend a reasonable amount of time (oh, say, 27 years) developing a nice excess covering of chub. Feel free to use whatever method works best for you--carbs, sugar, salty foods or a combination. The Retail Diet Plan allows for a lot of flexibility in this area, though it does recommend keeping exercise to a bare minimum.
Step Two: Secure employment at a retail establishment near you. This should be in addition to another fulltime position. The success of the plan rests on working more than 40 hours per week. Again, the plan is flexible about what kind of retail, though working at Wal-Mart is not permitted (just because it is icky and bad and you shouldn't be there anyways). Any place where parking is going to be an issue is especially ideal.
Step Three: Get to work. Work 15 hour days. Work 65 hours a week. Start getting 5 hours of sleep a night. Do lots of lifting. Stand the whole time. Park 10 minutes from your store.
Step Four: Eat whatever you want. Eat nothing but Bugles and chocolate chip cookies if you want to. Make the mall food court your kitchen. Go days without having a vegetable. Begin to crave salad. The only catch is that you have to find the time to eat.
Step Five: Watch the pounds drop off and the paychecks roll in. According to my research (which is, admittedly, based on a fairly small sample size), in just 6 weeks on this plan you could lose up to 5 pounds and earn literally hundreds of dollars. Hundreds I tell you! Just think, in a mere 20 years, the average person on the plan could lose 50 pounds and earn $280,000! Amazing!
I'm a little bit busy right now, I am on the plan afterall, but just as soon as things slow down, I'll be writing the book and hunting down Ron Popeil to see if we can figure out some sort of possible partnership with the Ronco corporation. They'll surely know how to get me an infomercial and maybe they can pull some strings so I can get Susan Lucci to host it. That would be awesome.
posted by Mrs.Robinson at
7:17 AM
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