Stars for Billy Blanks

10,000 gold stars for inventing Tae-Bo
5,000 gold stars for putting out Tae-Bo videos
5,000 gold stars for making me sweaty and getting my heart rate up
7,000 gold stars for making my booty sore the next day

Total: 27,000 gold stars

Oh, but wait...

Minus 4,000 gold stars for opening said workout video in a creepy prayer to Jesus (no, Billy, I don't think your workout is so challenging that I think I need divine intervention to complete it)

Minus 5,000 gold stars for wearing a lilac shirt tucked into eggplant colored tights. I do not need that much information about the relative size and shape of both your testicles and your ankles.

Minus 5,000 more gold stars for saying (and this is an honest to goodness quote) "Your legs are like your car tires-- You only get two and they have to last your whole life". Really, Billy? May I just, ever so politely, inquire what the hell kind of car do you drive, exactly?

Minus a big 9,000 gold stars for telling me to "speak the Word" to my legs when they get tired. Listen, I think Christianity in and of itself is weird enough. I don't need to add an extra layer of weird by quoting the Bible at my quivering thigh muscles. Besides, the only verse I really have memorized is "Jesus wept" and I don't think my legs would find that encouraging.

Minus 75 gold stars for having crazy eyes.

So, let's see, that gives good old Billy 3,925 gold stars. Sad. The teacher of my hip hop dance class gets more stars than that just for being cool.