Claim to Lame

I must confess, before I write any further, that I totally stole this idea from my good friend and workout buddy Kelly. Kelly came up with the concept of a claim to lame, which is basically where you can freely and proudly acknowledge something about yourself that you really ought to feel some embarrassment about. Kelly's claim to lame is that she has seen every movie that stars Freddie Prinze Jr. in the theatre and she paid full price for them. She even saw some of them more than once. That is, quite clearly, a claim to lame.

It should surprise absolutely no one that I have several justifiable claims to lame. I shall now, for your amusement, list them here.

1. I have a deep and long lasting aversion to cotton balls. I can not stand to touch cotton balls. I have to use tweezers to get the cotton out of a pill bottle. If forced to touch a cotton ball I get an instant case of the bad goosebumps and my skin feels like it wants to crawl off my body. I seriously, seriously can not touch them. When I was still working at the lotion shop I once had to put cotton balls on a plate near some lip gloss samples. I had to swaddle my hands in paper towels to avoid skin to cotton ball contact. We do not allow cotton balls at the monkey household.

2. I fervently long to go to Dollywood.

3. While I officially acknowledge U2 as my favorite band, I still secretly love the New Kids on the Block and still have all of my NKOTB tapes and their greatest hits CD. I may have listened to it last month. I may also have sung along. I may, in fact, be Hanging Tough. Jordan Knight was my first love. Don't judge me.

4. I've never seen the following classic/well regarded movies and I have no intention of ever seeing them, even though I know I probably should: Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan, Casablanca, The Matrix, Citizen Kane, Dances with Wolves, Lawrence of Arabia and almost every Star Wars movie (I've seen one all the way through, but I'm not totally sure which one it was. I've seen bits and pieces of the rest). My darling husband, a true lover of movies, could probably list even more great movies that I'm missing from this list. After he listed them he would most likely shake his head with a deep sense of sadness in his heart as he contemplates spending a life time with a person whose favorite movie of all time is Steel Magnolias.

5. I cried at the end of Armageddon...both times I saw it.

6. I think the best smell in the world is my skin after I've been swimming. I love the smell of chlorine. The second best smell in the world is Michael's armpits. The third best smell in the world is the inside of new shoes. There is a reason I can't find a perfume that I like.

7. I really want to get called for jury duty someday. I think it sounds great. Lots of waiting around = plenty of time to read. Plus, I love Law and Order and I harbor a secret hope that if called to jury duty the case would be presented by Jack "Junkyard dog" McCoy. I get that he's a fictional character and all, but I still sort of believe he'll be there.


8. In addition to cotton balls, I am most afraid of strange dogs and live chickens.


I could, sadly, list more but I'll save some fun for another day. Anyone else care to share?