Caffeinated Sugar Monkey

Monday, July 24, 2006

Leggings: Could I be at risk?

As anyone who has even glanced at a recent issue of US Weekly/People/OK/In Touch/Star magazine can tell you leggings, those black fashion faux pas of my junior high years, are making a serious comeback among the emaciated celebrities crowd. While it is bad enough that certain frail, starving actresses (maybe they need to wear them for warmth?) are wearing what are essentially panty hose with out feet, the problem seems to be spreading. A recent fashion magazine I subscribe to just included leggings in a fashion problems and solutions page…as a solution. Target is starting to sell them. I am growing nervous.

The thing is, I wore leggings. I wore them a lot. I wore them with HUGE sweatshirts and under dresses and even, and this is regrettable, with shorts. I was, in my defense, going through puberty at the time and was quite possibly insane from the changing hormones. Still, I look back at that era as a simpler time. A time when bangs were beautiful and Aqua Net was my friend. It was a time when I longed for the love of only one man (Jordan Knight) and hoped desperately for my boobs to come in right. It may have been a simpler time…but I don’t want to go back. I looked ridiculous in leggings but I harbor a quiet fear that in a matter of months, which regular media exposure, I might succumb to the siren song of the black leggings.

Why the fear, you ask? Two words: capri pants. Capri pants really came into fashion my freshman year of college and I hated them at first. I thought they looked ridiculous and gave the impression that the person wearing them had just, very recently, experienced a growth spurt and no longer fit their pants. But, after about a year of regular exposure to them, I grew to tolerate them and then even to like them. Now? I love them. I probably own more capri pants than regular pants. I can’t get enough of baring my ankles. What if I fall back in love with leggings? From there it is a slippery slope back into stirrup pants and hypercolor clothing. I just can’t bear the thought of it.

So, I demand accountability…if you see me gazing longingly at leggings or remarking that “Mary Kate looks really cute in that picture” please show me my junior high year book. That should snap me out of it pretty quickly.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Things I Think But Do Not Say: Work Edition

#1: You are 48 years old. You are a grown woman. Enough with the baby talk. It is a financial aid appeal. It is not a “widdle mean yellow form”. You are not being cute or funny. You are being annoying and weird.

#2: Larry, stop talking to me about Star Wars. Stop it now. I do not care. Knowing that you saw all the movies in the theatre 3 times each does not help me place you in the correct math class. It really doesn’t.

#3: Get off your cell phone, annoying UofA student. Get off it now or get the hell out of my office. You need me more than I need to hear about how “Heather was so drunk last night! She was totally shit-faced”. Also, stop being such a stereotype about UofA girls. Put on a shirt that covers your damned boobs. Stop wearing shorts that are from the toddler section.

#4: Mmmm. You smell good.

#5: Why are you here? Why are you wasting your time and money? You haven’t passed a single class in three semesters and you claim that you don’t like any classes that have to do with math, reading, writing or science yet you are majoring in Business. Drop out. Get a job. Come back when you are ready.

#6: My name is not Madame Cleo. I can not guess what classes a school I’ve never heard of in a state I’ve never been to will accept for transfer.

#7: Ooooh. Starbucks. I want. Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee….

#8: Wow. You have 7 kids and you are only 32 years old. I can’t even imagine. Was that on purpose?
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Okay, I know I sound mean but I am so brain fried right now. We have had over 200 students in the office today and only 7 advisors. I am growing fearful that I might not be able to contain my internal monologue for very much longer.