My scale- R.I.P

My scale is dead...or dying at least. It used to, as scales are meant to do, give you a read out of three digital numbers when you stood on it. Now, it blinks a cryptic message, SAEE, and then fades to blackness. I am puzzled as to what SAEE means: Sorry Already Eager Ectomorph? Shouldn't All Elephants Eat? Somewhat Angry Electronic Enemy? It is a mystery to me. I think it might be some sort of cry for help, but I'm afraid we are going to have to put it down and get a new one.

The last time I weighed myself on this scale was just over a month ago, just before I instructed the mister to hide it from my for a month. I was/am a compulsive weigher. I would weigh myself every single time I went into the bathroom. Getting a kleenex- step on the scale. Combing my hair-step on the scale. Actually *going to the bathroom* required two weigh ins, one for before and one for after. I realize that this is not exactly healthy behavior, especially the extend to which a "good" number versus a "bad" number impacted my mood, but it was such a habit that it was hard to imagine not knowing, in some immediate sense, what my exact weight was. So, when I decided to do a scale fast for a month, I knew the scale had to be hidden.

The scale free month went by pretty quickly and though I was tempted to weigh myself at the gym a couple of times and did, on occasion, try to snoop around the house to find the scale, I stayed scale free the whole time. It feels odd to me, not knowing right now, this very second what my weight is. I don't like it, though I can appreciate that I was less moody about weight stuff this month.

Now, the month is up and I want to know. I want my digits. I have lots of weird rules about weight (the scale at home is the only scale that counts, the weight in the morning is the official weight of the day and is the only one that counts, weights achieved after horrific bouts of food poisoning are nice, but don't count) and I have to have a home scale to follow the rules.

I know that I shouldn't be so obsessed about three (not so little) numbers. I know that eating well is more important, that fitness is more important, that how your clothes fit is more important but I don't care. I like/need/want the tangible, recordable, objective scale numbers. They feel real and measurable and, most importantly, controllable in a way that "how your clothes fit" just doesn't.

So, a trip to Target is in my future I think. I am going to try to avoid being the saddest person ever so I vow not to buy half price Halloween candy and the scale at the same time.