My good body

There are times when, I confess, I find it hard not to be obsessed with myself.

This is not a flattering admission, I realize.

Often my obsession starts with something simple. I'll pass a mirror and notice a sudden new pimple, all angry and red on my chin. I have to stop and stare at it, maybe poke it a bit with my finger just to see if it hurts. Once I notice that pimple, I'll find myself checking my eyebrows to see if they look woolly again or I'll examine my upper lip to try to figure out why it always looks a bit like I have a mustache, even though my upper lip is generally a hair free zone (thanks to the fine people who produce and sell Nair).

I can go on and on, to the zit on my shoulder or the ancient faded stretch marks on my breasts and belly (yay puberty). I could probably, if asked tell you a flaw I have on every appendage. Thankfully people rarely ask.

I'm finding though, that with time and age and maybe some wisdom, that it is starting to interest me less and less to figure out my top ten imperfections. I think this book http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/104-6327239-3023127?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=intuitive+eating helped. I think having a husband who thinks I sexy helps. I think starting to swim again helps. I think that now that I am really starting to think a lot about what it means to be pregnant, I feel slightly awed by the way that all sorts of really small things have to go well for that to happen.

I sometimes see people with profound physical disabilities at my job. Invariably when I see them I feel a small measure of gratitude that my body is whole and functional in the traditional sense. I realize, of course, that people with disabilities can have lives that are as full and meaningful as mine, but I can't deny the fact that I suspect life is easier to navigate for the able bodies. I try to be aware of myself as able bodied, as functional, as maybe even strong. I think I can rest in those moments of awareness for longer now.

I may not ever have a good body in the way our culture has defined good. I'm not ever going to be a size 6... or eight or maybe even 10. I think I'm getting to be okay with that.

Happy Mothers Day?

I have a wee confession to make: I kind of hate mother's day.

When I was younger I really hated mother's day, a fact that is largely related to the fact that I have a difficult mother. I resented having to buy a card or a gift though I bought one every year because it was easier to shell out the $1.99 for a card than to deal with my mother's anger/hurt feelings if I didn't acknowledge the day. Buying a card was always an exercise in frustration. I didn't want to buy anything that implied that she was, oh I don't know, a good mother or something. I usually ended up getting something along the lines of "Oh mom, there is no one quite like you", because, if nothing else, that was true. There is no one quite like my mother. I consider this a good thing.

As I've gotten older and have lived outside of my parent's home for over a decade I'm not as angry at my mom as I used to be so the mother's day thing isn't as angsty on that end as it used to be. Now my angst is more directed at my current situation. As a step-mom, I just don't know where I fit. I don't know if I think I should expect a card or something from Mr. Monkey or the boys. I'm not their mom, that much is clear, but I like to think that I am more than just their dad's wife. Sometimes I feel very removed from the real experience of being a parent.Sometimes when people ask me if I have children I don't quite know what to say. Yes, kind of?

I feel very much like a wife (that is a good thing indeed) but sometimes I wonder if this is what being a step-parent is supposed to feel like. I don't have much of a frame of reference for this and, after nearly two years of being married, it is the part that I worry about most.

Life without cable

One of the many changes in the new Monkey house is that we no longer have cable. We had it at the old house because it was free but now the budget is a little tighter, so unless we get another lazy cable guy who doesn't put in the filter because he doesn't want to have to climb the pole to do it, we'll be without the good cable for the foreseeable future.

Now, we are not with out television at all, of course. We still get the basic channels (including C-Span and QVC, both of which offer unintentional comedy programming from time to time) but nothing past channel 20. No TLC, no HGTV, no Bravo, no Turner Classic Movies (a bigger issue for the mister than for me, I must admit) and none of the other trashy channels that I don't want to admit to watching *cough* E! and VHI *cough*

I'm sad to admit it, but I miss the cable. I miss the many, many shows about buying or selling or renovating houses. I miss watching both Flip This House and Flip That House. I miss, in advance, the next season of Project Runway. I don't want to be a person who misses TV, but I do.

I got home at around 8pm last night and discovered that 8pm on a Wednesday night on regular channels is a television wasteland. According To Jim? Won't watch it. American Idol? Never seen it, don't want to change that. Cold Case or Criminal Minds or CSI or whatever dead person/detective show on CBS? Nope. My heart belongs to Law and Order and I don't stray.

I know that there are better ways to spend my time. I know I haven't written anything, like at all, since January. I haven't painted in months. I'm averaging reading one book a month, which is a sad state of affairs. I haven't seen the inside of my gym in months. I know I can fill the time that not having cable frees up...I just want to do those things and be able to watch Buy Me or House Hunters too.

Moving sucks

Okay, so here is the thing about moving: it sucks. Now, not all of it sucks, of course. The new house is pretty great and the paint colors are lovely (in my ever so humble opinion) but the process of moving sucks. Everything about moving seems to take longer than you think it will, it is tiring, it is stressful and it turns people who are normally quite nice and even tempered (i.e. me) into short tempered and easily irritated grumps.

I like things to be orderly and settled. Order is hard to come by when your stuff is all in boxes and it is hard to feel settled when you can't find your shoes. Grr.

I know I promised a new blog starting, but it looks like that will be on hold while I still live in boxville.