Financial Redemption

I was a freshman in college when I got my first credit card. The fine folks at Citibank offered it to me with a $600 limit ( a limit that seemed like a kingly sum at the time) and I got a little shiver when I signed the paperwork. I used the card the day that it came in the mail. I went to the mall specifically to use my new card. I can not, for the life of me, remember what I bought, but I can remember the feeling of using the card. I remember feeling powerful and adult and absolutely certain that I would never, ever carry a balance on it... feel free to begin laughing at me now.

The thing is, I didn't carry a balance on it for months and months, maybe even a year, but then one month I did. I never stopped having a balance after that. Like many college students, I financed my textbooks and groceries and other essentials of undergraduate life (shoes, road trips. pants to go with the shoes, etc) and, like most college students, I graduated with several thousand dollars in credit card debt.

After college, I used credit (because I graduated broke and then went into an education field, where the money isn't big so much) to set up my first apartment, to buy grown up clothes, to try to become a version of what I thought an adult was. Before too long I stopped paying attention to how much debt I had. I had multiple cards and they all had balances but I paid the bills on time and tried to never, ever do the math on how much I really owed. I knew it was high but I didn't want to know for sure.

My early 20's are, financially and otherwise, a little blurry. I had assumed that I would get married right after college and then maybe have some kids right away. Instead, I was very single and I was struggling to figure out who I was, what I valued, how to create a grown up life. I felt, in many ways, seriously out of control and my finances reflected it. By the time I was 25 I finally started doing the math on my debt and was shocked. Shocked and scared. I was seriously in the red. I owed slightly less than my annual salary to the fine folks at Citibank. I had no idea how I got that deep in the hole and no idea how to get myself out.

I was thinking about money and fiscal self control tonight as I logged in 5 hours at my second job. I am, thankfully, in no where near as much debt now as I was two years ago. I still have debt and, according to my best predications, will still have credit card debt for another 18 months or so (I will have student loan debt until I am very, very old) but I feel like every day I get closer to being debt free. I find that the sore feet and the aching knees I get from working at the mall feel sort of virtuous to me right now. I've begun to realize that there is no room for grace in matters of the wallet. I must earn my financial salvation.

I wish that I could attack some other areas of my life with as much vigor as I do my financial health. I believe that I have truly changed in terms of how I view and use money, so I know I have the capability to create change for myself, so I wish that I didn't feel so helpless in the face of changing other aspects of my life. Money has often been a barometer for the rest of my life, so maybe the other changes will follow as I continue to fix/readjust/improve that area. I hope they do.