Baby

I want to have a baby.

I think.

Maybe.

But not yet.

But maybe soon.

But maybe not.

I just don't know.

I think I am entering a new phase in life--the baby years. The last five years or so (college graduation to now) have been the marriage years. I've been invited to at least 25 weddings in the last 5 years and have spent, roughly, $6000 on wedding gifts, bridesmaid dresses, shower presents, travel to weddings, etc. The weddings were fun (mostly) and it was great to see so many friends happy and starting the next chapter of their lives.

Now, for the first time in a long time, I don't have any engaged friends and I don't have any weddings on the calendar. I have, instead, baby showers and first birthday parties and baptisms and dedications to look forward to. I have at least one pregnant friend and several friends trying to conceive. It is a bit odd watching so many friends turning into parents and I wonder how they knew it was the right time. Did they feel certain? How did they know for sure that they were ready?

Some days, I feel flooded by the urge to have a baby. It overwhelms me. I start thinking about tiny toes and first steps and the miracle of seeing a little person beginning to explore the world and I want to throw my pills away and start picking out nursery bedding. But, the next day I feel ambivalent. I wonder, some days, what a child of Michael and I's would look like (curly hair for sure, probably brown eyes) and the next day I think about a life, after Michael's boys are in college, of just Michael and I. I think about time. Time to write, to sleep, to travel, to just be alone with each other. I believe that we could have a complete and satisfying marriage without children. I believe that we could have a complete and satisfying marriage with children. I think and worry about money, about our ages, about what is best for Brennan and Malcolm.

I want to be practical. I want to be impulsive. I just want to be certain.