Greatness awaits me

Ladies and gentlemen--this blog is now being written by a future millionaire. For real. Feel free to pause for a moment to reflect on what I was like when I was still poor and humble.

I have finally figured out how I am going to make my fortune. My plan, and, truly, it seems fool proof, is to combine two quintessentially American desires- the desire to be wealthy without having to try too hard and the desire to be skinny while eating as little fruit and vegetables as possible-- into one literary phenomenon.

I present to you....insert sounds of fanfare here...The Retail Diet plan

Step One: Spend a reasonable amount of time (oh, say, 27 years) developing a nice excess covering of chub. Feel free to use whatever method works best for you--carbs, sugar, salty foods or a combination. The Retail Diet Plan allows for a lot of flexibility in this area, though it does recommend keeping exercise to a bare minimum.

Step Two: Secure employment at a retail establishment near you. This should be in addition to another fulltime position. The success of the plan rests on working more than 40 hours per week. Again, the plan is flexible about what kind of retail, though working at Wal-Mart is not permitted (just because it is icky and bad and you shouldn't be there anyways). Any place where parking is going to be an issue is especially ideal.

Step Three: Get to work. Work 15 hour days. Work 65 hours a week. Start getting 5 hours of sleep a night. Do lots of lifting. Stand the whole time. Park 10 minutes from your store.

Step Four: Eat whatever you want. Eat nothing but Bugles and chocolate chip cookies if you want to. Make the mall food court your kitchen. Go days without having a vegetable. Begin to crave salad. The only catch is that you have to find the time to eat.

Step Five: Watch the pounds drop off and the paychecks roll in. According to my research (which is, admittedly, based on a fairly small sample size), in just 6 weeks on this plan you could lose up to 5 pounds and earn literally hundreds of dollars. Hundreds I tell you! Just think, in a mere 20 years, the average person on the plan could lose 50 pounds and earn $280,000! Amazing!

I'm a little bit busy right now, I am on the plan afterall, but just as soon as things slow down, I'll be writing the book and hunting down Ron Popeil to see if we can figure out some sort of possible partnership with the Ronco corporation. They'll surely know how to get me an infomercial and maybe they can pull some strings so I can get Susan Lucci to host it. That would be awesome.

# 9

20 minute brisk walk (plus 6 hours standing at the mall).

I am so boring.

My To-Don't List

I love lists. I love making them, I love crossing things off of them, I feel lost without a list to guide me. Am I a wee bit of a control freak? Yes, as a matter of fact I am. Do lists help me maintain the illusion that I am in control of my life? Yes, as a matter of fact they do.

I generally have multiple to-do lists going: one for the month, one for the week, one for the day. At night, when the house is quiet and Michael and I are tucked cozily in our bed (basically when Michael is trapped), I usually go through my to do list with him. I'm quite sure he doesn't find it as relaxing as I do, but I persist because I find it soothing. Usually, as I'm listing thrilling tasks like "return pants to Target" and "send out gas bill", I'll hear a sleepy voice say "But what is on your to-don't list?".

So, in honor of my husband and because I have the day off from both of my jobs (oh the luxury!), here is my to-don't list:

1. Club baby seals
2. Wash the dishes
3. Sell drugs to school children
4. Shower and change out of my pjs before 1pm
5. Wear horizontal stripes
6. Volunteer for the military
7. Vacuum
8. Prank call Michael at work
9. Post nude photos on the internet
10. Laundry
11. Sell all worldy goods, join cult and move into the compound
12. Paint toenails blue
13. Pick nose while driving
14. Yard work of any kind
15. Watch more than 2 informercials on tv

Yes, it is a long list, but I think it can be done.

#8

Buns of Steel step aerobics video.

Ouch.

My buns are buns of jello right now.

Updates

1. The job situation: I've accepted a position at Pima Community College and will be leaving UA in January. I'm excited, nervous, and a little bummed to be leaving some good co-workers and friends behind. On the plus side, however, I will no longer have to pay for parking, something that has been an annoyance to me ever since I started working at UA.

Also, even though I totally failed in my efforts to negotiate my salary (me: I more than meet the requirements for the position, blah, blah, education, blah, experience...can we discuss the salary range? Them: "No") I'll be making a bit more than I was at UA and will be able to meet my goal of having the first two digits of my salary exceed my age for a few more years.

2. The grad school situation: The thesis has been given to the committee and I am currently looking at scheduling the defense for some where in mid-January. You'll know when it is successfully finished for there shall be loud celebrations across the land...or at least maybe some sort of party.

3. The lotion shilling situation: They have me scheduled for 25 hours next week (yikes) so a bit of mall fatigue is setting in but the time goes by fast and I am still, for the most part, enjoying it. The people watching this time of year can not be beat. On that note, I'd like to give a special shout out to the guy who came into the store today in a ripped "Budweiser babes" muscle shirt, black high tops, and acid washed cut-off shorts with a *large* hole in the back pocket. Thank you, sir, for teaching us all a valuable lesson--underwear is optional when wearing denim, even if it is only in the high 60's outside.

4. The 30 in 30 thing: For those of you keeping track (uhh, so mostly to me, I guess) I am running a day or two behind but still feeling optimistic. I don't feel radically healthier yet, but I do feel somewhat virtuous, which is always fun.

# 7

30 minute on the exercise bike at the gym. No one held my hand.

# 6

30 minute walk with my honey. He holds my hand when we cross the street. I just have the biggest crush on him.

He lives! My advisor lives!

And, occasionally, he responds to increasingly desperate emails.

My advisor finally emailed me yesterday with some very good news. The thesis is in good enough shape that I can contact the other professors on my committee and can schedule my defense for sometime in January. Yay! I continue to be annoyed that this process has spilled over into another semester, forcing me to sign up and pay for another unit of thesis credit and delaying my official graduation until May 2006 (grrr) but at least I can begin to get ready for the defense.

I had to laugh a bitter little laugh when I picked up my draft from his office and there was a sticky note on top that said "Received 10/26, return quickly so she can give to committee". Yeah, that worked out pretty well for me.

So, anyone know what I can expect when I do the defense? Do I just have to be ready to answer questions? Do I have to do a fancy presentation? How long do they usually last? These are questions I know I need to ask my advisor, and I will, but I'd like to hear from multiple sources that it is all going to turn out okay.

# 5

Went to the gym last night and did 30 minutes slowly on the bike. I had a killer headache (I was dangerously under caffeinated) so I didn't push myself too much. At least I made it though.

# 4

Went to the gym with Kelly last night and did 30 minutes on the treadmill, including 10 minutes of running. Yay me.

# 3

# 3 was a mixture of yoga and strength training completed after I spent four hours shilling lotion. It seems like that should make it count more.

# 2

Hit the gym again tonight...30 minutes of treadmill goodness, including four, yes four, whole minutes of running. I am, quite obviously, amazing.

End to the limbo...sort of

Okay, so the thesis advisor is still MIA but I did hear about the job...they made me an offer this morning! I haven't accepted yet...still need to try to be tough and negotiate the salary. Wish me luck!

#1

Did the first of my 30 in 30 workouts tonight: 20 minutes on the elliptical, 10 minutes on the treadmill, one set of abs. Was accompanied at the gym by the ever fabulous Kelly, who smoked me on the treadmill. She has very long legs though, so I'm not sure I really stand a chance (she's also in better shape than I am, but lets not dwell on that, okay?).

30 in 30

Something kind of weird happened to me the other night. I was at the gym with Kelly and...here is the weird part...I kind of enjoyed the workout. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm always enjoy seeing and chatting with Kelly but I very rarely enjoy the workout parts of our workout. But the other night we got a little competitive and pushed ourselves a little more and I was actually sore the next day. And I liked it. I think I have been going to the gym and mostly half assing it, which is largely why the whole working out thing feels so pointless most of the time. It is pointless if I don't actually try all that hard. I'm sure 30 minutes of half way trying are better than nothing, but I wonder how much better, really.

So, I've decided to challenge myself. I feel like I am in a slump right now and I think I need to give myself a kick in the ass (ooh, second use of ass in one entry. Saucy.). I have decided to aim for 30 workouts in 30 days. I usually average, honestly, 2-3 workouts a week, so this will be a big jump but I think it can be done, though I think I need to define workout in a way that doesn't require gym attendance, as that won't always be possible. Thus, an activity will count as a workout if it meets one of the following criteria:

1. 30 or more minutes on a cardio machine at the gym at level 8 or higher
2. 20 minutes of brisk activity like walking, jogging, swimming, biking PLUS 2 sets of strength building exercises like lunges, squats, sit-ups, etc.
3. A yoga or pilates video
4. Any work out video, actually
5. Two 15 minute bouts of brisk activity in a day

The challenge starts today. My plan is to post on the blog each workout so that we can all share the fun.

The plan for the day? Hit the gym before going to my shift at the mall tonight.